Memory Fades

As time goes on, memory fades. I thought I was immune to this, but as I near my mid-thirties I am starting to see that my memory is not infinite. I wish it was. My mother died when I was young and memories are all I have left of her.

When I was in 8th or 9th grade, I was assigned a class poetry project in which we created a book of original poems using various structures and themes. I don't remember most of the specifics, in fact, I only remember the assignment for one reason; one of the themes was about death. It was something I was very familiar with at the time my, my mother had just died. The teachers didn't know this, so they could not shield me from the pain this project might cause, but why would they? This was the early 2000s, things like that didn't matter, you just tried to move on. I don't remember any of those poems, but I do remember the feelings I expressed in them, feelings of sadness, emptiness, loss. I don't think I held back; it was probably somewhat cathartic for me at the time.

As time has gone on and the memories fade, I wish I could remember more about that poetry project. Unfortunately, time is a long, one-way road. There are no exits for us to turn back and get a better view of the past. The thoughts and feelings of the past are distant. We can see them in the rear-view mirror, but as we progress down the road of time, those memories lose their details. We can only remember broad specifics, general emotions. Luckily, sometimes those two things are enough to make sense of the moment which has passed.

The one thing that sticks out in my memory about that poetry project is that I remember showing the book of poems to one of my friend's mom, she read the poems as we played videogames in their basement, it was an ordinary day for the crew. The reason why this memory sticks with me so strongly is because several minutes later she came to find me to give me a hug with tears in her eyes. I don't remember what was said, all I know is she felt my pain through those words, the thing I try my best to hide. I was confused at the time, I just thought it was just a class assignment, but that act of kindness was strong, distinct. Something I never really grasped until recent years. The fact that I understand that moment as an adult is why I wish I could go back to it. 

The feelings I wrote about in those poems must have been raw. Oh, how I wish I had that book of poems today; I wish I could gaze upon those thoughts from when I was a child. How did I process her death at the time? How was it affecting me then? It's hazy, but I still remember that feeling...vaguely.  Those memories are distant, I can see them in my past, but like a car driving behind me with its high beams on, they are too far to fully describe. 

In this post, I originally was going to write some poetry about my mother's death to mimic some of those feelings that I'm speaking of, yet I could not. That pain is distant because I have started to heal. I did my time (therapy) and I've forgiven her for leaving the Earth too soon. It took me far too long to process her death and to finally move past it. To return to those feelings would be wrong now. The memory of those feelings is fading, and I need to let it. I have spent too much of my life holding on to them, adjusting my rear-view mirror to keep them in sight. Slowing down so I would not blow past them. I am done with that. 

As I sit in my apartment, I realize it's the month. I realize another year will have passed without her, and though she is not here in the body, she is here in spirit. She lives through me. I write this on the day she died 24 years ago realizing that my memory is fading, as it does with age. The good memories I have with her are limited and if I don't focus on them, they will fade and be forgotten. I am now adjusting my rear-view mirror so I can see the good times more clearly. Allowing the bad times to fade into obscurity.

Pain does not need to be everlasting. 

Of course, I will still sometimes be sad when I think of her absence, but it will not last long because I'll look in my adjusted rearview mirror and see the good memories. I'm thankful to have known her for those 11 years. This post of in celebration of her and all of the joy she brought to the world, that continues to shine through her children. 

As time goes on and memory fades, don't let the past consume you.